Me, myself and I

I conquered a fear today.

No bungee cords were involved.

No rodents crawling all over me.

No eating unidentified parts of animals.

I went to the movies today...by MYSELF.

Now, to some, this is a ridiculous fear. But to me, I never in a million years thought I could do this.

Which is odd since I can eat at a restaurant alone - which to me - is far worse.

But there's something about the movie experience in which I think you need to bring another person - you know - someone to slap on the shoulder when a funny part hits the screen or having someone boo hoo at all the right parts.

Today, though, I wanted to do this. I wanted to sit in a theater with just me. Just me and my thoughts. Just me and my laughter. Just me and my tears.

The hubs watched the World Cup yesterday with a buddy and today I got the chance for some "me" time.

I knew a few things:
- I didn't want to go to the grocery store even though we desperately needed to. Because grocery shopping is an errand...

- I didn't want to roam the mall and shop. Shopping these days has become more of a beating to me than a pleasure. The crowds, the tweens, the clothes that make me feel like a mutton dressed like lamb instead of young at heart....

I wanted to do something for me. Just me.

And I knew I wanted to see "Toy Story 3."

But, I had to get over my fear of going to the movies alone. Fearful of someone pointing and laughing and thinking, "That girl's got no friends."

Here's the deal - I gots people. I have a friend that did invite me to see it with her and her daughter. I have a husband who even offered to take me. I have another kid-less friend that wanted to go with me. I even have Iz - who if I really wanted - could bring and could be my beard - you know the disguise of - "I'm taking my daughter to see this!" When really...it's me..

Instead, I decided to do it. Because, I wanted to go on my time, without worrying if the other person was enjoying the movie as much as me, without dealing with my one year old maniac child who doesn't know how to sit still.

So, I did.

I bravely went up to the ticket counter and said "Just one, please."

And the ticket lady didn't bat an eye.

I got in line and even thought about moving to the back of the line where there were a bunch of Asians and just squishing myself in the group so that people would think I was with them and not alone.

But I didn't - I stood in line - alone. In silence. No one to talk to. Just me and my thoughts.

It's uncomfortable. The deafening silence of your own thoughts.

I sat in the back. Next to a family that was from Polynesia, Fiji, or Tongan. The waitress came by to take my order and asked if the check would be together - signaling to my brown brethren sitting beside me.

I looked at her, smiled sweetly, and said, "No. I'm not with them. It's just me."

Just me. I got to order what I wanted without seeing if Craig wanted to split an entree or have the peer pressure of ordering something of the similar calorie content as a friend - because yes - I succumb to peer pressure and sometimes order the salad instead of the burger - just because the friend orders something healthy....

The people watched. Didn't take out my Iphone to FB, tweet, or email.

I just sat and waited for the movie to start. Just me.

My food came, the previews started...and the greatest movie of the year began.

And I laughed out loud. I "AWed" at the right parts. I cried - a lot. I held my breath during the moments of suspense. Yes people - the dang cartoon had it all.

The credits rolled and I got up from my chair, walked out of the theater, got in my car, and I smiled to myself.

It wasn't a big deal. It was scarier in my head, being a bit self absorbed thinking that everyone would be talking about the poor, ole lady who has no friends to go to the movies with.

But, no one cared about me and didn't pay attention.

It was just me.

And it was awesome.

As crazy as it seems - I felt refreshed after the 2 hour movie. I think it's because I did something that was totally for me. Totally on my terms. Totally selfish in my world of selfless (aka life as a mom and wife...)

I'm planning another date to the movies with myself. The date was that good - I asked me for a second outing...

We made it!

Iz's first birthday was a huge success.

It was an action packed day of swimming, laughing, playing...and you know what...NO crying!

Approaching her first birthday was like preparing to speak in front of a crowd. Well...for me anyways.

I dread speaking in front of people. Utterly dread it. I get all nervous, start sweating, forget my speech...but once I am in the throws of it...I really love it. Weird.

I got choked up once while we were singing "Happy Birthday" at her party. But, really, her birthday was about celebration!

Celebrate a joyous year of surpassing milestones, conquering fears, growing up (me..and her).

I was surrounded by family and friends. I say "I" - and not "Iz" because the people that came - I know came to support me and Craig, too. They came to celebrate not only Iz's 1st birthday but to celebrate mine and Craig's first year as parents.

Thank you to all that came to celebrate Iz's first birthday!

ONE!

I'm busy crying today.

One more day...really...few hours until my girl turns ONE.

I didn't know having a child would be this good.

Would feel this right.

Would make me see what matters in this lifetime.

Would feel so inadequate at something I was created to do.

But still feel so confident at being her mom.

Iz has given us joy beyond comprehension. What did I do right in my past lives to deserve something so good now?

Her 1st year - ONE - year old!

She'll be the ONE that taught me how to be a mom. The ONE that gave me the excitement of firsts - first laugh, first crawl, first word...

She's our girl.

TWO!

TWO!

From 2 to 3.

Our family.

Before Iz, our family was just the hubs and me.

We loved "just us"and loved having the ability to do whatever, whenever we pleased.

Now, it's a bit more challenging.

I remember being so nervous about taking Iz out to dinner when she was a just a few weeks and months old. Fearful of her crying in public and not knowing how to soothe her. Fearful of strangers giving me the "stink eye."

Ha! Those sweet baby cries are a welcome to the full out tantrums, yell fests, and throwing of plates and food that Iz now partakes in whenever we go to any restaurant.

I used to look at families with little ones and be appalled at the mess they would leave behind. Now I realize, there is little one can do when the little one is just learning how to eat "by myself" and about 90% of the meal ends up on the floor or in the high chair. And the parent's don't want to leave the mountain of mess behind...we just know that there is a very small window of time to get the evil ones aka children out the door and into the car before a full out riot starts.

I get it.

And now our TWO is now three. The just "us" includes the toddling thing that waves "hi" and "bye bye" to anyone who'll give her the attention.

And even though the hubs and I love and cherish our date nights, we love our family dates of the new "us."

I love how we go to the store and Craig chooses to carry Iz instead of putting her in the cart because he so wisely said to me when I insisted on putting her in the germ filled cart, "No. I want to hold her. There's only a small amount of time that I'll be able to do this."

So, he does. He holds our Bug in one arm, holds my hand with the other, and I steer the cart down the aisle.

From 2 to 3...the new "just us."

THREE!!

Three!

Iz is not a baby anymore.

She's a toddler.

I can't believe it.

But since we're counting down the 5 things about the past year that have somewhat defined Iz's and my first year...well...change.

Change.

Iz changed so drastically it's shocking. I look at her now and see glimpses of the newborn I was terrified of holding in fear of cracking the fragile tiny human.


Now, I have this toddler thing that is rough and tough that loves being thrown in the air, loves jumping on beds, and falls and runs into things without shedding a single tear.

She's changed from crying, to cooing, to turning, to sitting, to crawling, to babbling, to talking, to cruising, to walking.

I've changed.

My neurotic tendencies of a germ free existence have gone by the wayside. I can't do much about the mystery Cheerio or Goldfish that she suddenly has in her mouth. Or about the fistfuls of dog hair that end up in the crevices of her neck from the cuddle session she had with her dog brother or dog sister.

We've changed - me and Iz. Our relationship is morphing. It started out as a sole caretaker - me giving everything I had to get so little in return. Of course I still care for Iz - but now Craig is just as involved - taking over bath time, play time, meal time - as soon as he walks into the door. I've allowed myself to trust others watch her while I go to work - I didn't think that having her strapped in a Bjorn as I lift 50 lb tubs of cake batter was a good idea...

But, she gives so much back. Her laugh and her smiles - make the hardest moments worth it. In her way - she's caring for me, too. She makes me laugh and smile on a daily if not hourly basis - which gives strength to my spirit and my heart.

She has her moments of defiance that are testing me as a mother of a toddler. And I've had to change my mindset from mothering an infant, from mothering a baby, now now mothering a toddler.

Now that's change I can believe in....

Four!

I thought a lot about this post today and replayed the past few months of Iz's first year. And I realized one of the most integral aspects of the past year has been...well..staring me right in the face.

Many faces actually...

And it's the faces of the mom's that I have are now etched in my heart as women who lifted me up, made me laugh, and watched Iz grow almost every day.

When I joined Stroller Strides when Iz was 6 weeks old, I really wasn't sure what to expect.

I've talked about what I expected Stroller Strides (SS) to be - a group of women dressed in matching Nike spandex work out gear, pushing their Prams, with diamonds the size of Texas on resting on their manicured hand - strolling with their kids as they talk about the next dinner party they have to throw or the next couture they have to purchase.

I was wrong...and I am so glad I was!

These women are every bit as perfect in their imperfection as me. They are eager to share the latest milestone their little one has conquered but just as eager to vent to about a sleepless night, the latest tantrum, the many mistakes they (we) make on a daily basis.

They watched Iz grow. Some see her 3-4 days a week and are in awe at how much she has changed.

They watched me grow. They've not just become the women I see when I work out but women I am privileged to call my friends.

Our conversations are filled with stories of motherhood, wifeyhood...we share who we once were before our lives were defined by the little ankle biter graced our presence and share who we we still want to be when we can figure out how to balance being a mom, a wife, a woman...

They call when Iz is sick to check on her (and me). They meet me for impromptu afternoon Jamba Juice dates to free me from the monotony of my day. They encourage me. They tease me (...2-3 days a week and twice on the weekends...). They listen.

I am sure that they have grown to care for Iz in their own way just as I see their children as special little people in our lives.

I had the chance to just be me this past weekend with some of my new found friends on a short road trip to Austin.

I loved it. Every second...

And I love the friendships Iz and I have made...and will FOUR-ever be grateful for having them.

FIVE!

Countdown with me!

Five days until Bug's big 1st birthday.

Can you believe it, blog friends?

Remember when I started the 100 day countdown to her birth and now we're on our 5 day countdown until her 1st birthday?!?

Time flies when you're having fun :-)

And fun is just the tip of the iceberg.

Being her Momma has taken every emotion and magnified times one billion bagillion and filled our home with sounds of joy, tears of bittersweet emotions, and love that is unlike anything that can be described.

I've had to think long and hard about the 5 things that have kind of defined her 1st year - or I guess - OUR first year.

So - here we go! READY or NOT!!!

FIVE - Motherhood is like bizarro/opposite world from what I thought it would be.

I am so surprised at myself as a mother. I was for sure going to dress up Iz in matching onesies with big ginormous bows. She was going to be a super sweet cuddly baby that was going to let me love on her and rock her to sleep.

Well...

I am a lot more practical than I thought.

Iz is not a bow fan and neither am I! Gasp!
I am pretty partial - but I look at her face - her sweet perfect face - and don't think she needs any accessories. She is dressed in whatever is clean and whatever I don't mind getting dirty. There are many days where she hangs out in nothin' but a diaper...and the only reason we put on clothes and shoes to go out in public is because I'm afraid she'll rip off her diaper and flash/moon a cop and then we'd get a ticket or something...

She doesn't want to be held - except for maybe a minute before bed time. She wants to explore and toddle her way through, over, and under everything and anything that gets in her way.

I spend money on things that matter - diapers, formula, bottles, meds. Instead of the fun things like toys, clothes, hair bows...so unlike how I pictured me spending mine (er...Craig's) hard earned money!

So Iz took me out of the fantasy world of kiddie couture and a sugar n' spice n' all that's nice...
And this year has shown me that the vision and dreams I had for her and for me as a mom PALE in comparison to what the reality of what being Iz's momma is like.

For Real...

Summer lovin'!

Have me a blast...

Summer came in fierce here in Tejas. Temps in the 90s and 100s have given us the perfect opportunity to spend time lounging by the pool.

Enjoy my pics from the past few weeks of summer fun!


Get ready to count down to Iz's 1 year birthday as I take a look back (and cry my eyes out every day this week) at her amazing 1st year!!

Oh yeah...talk about learning how to relax!

Thanks Abuelo and Abuela for my cool new wagon!

Liberty and Claire showing Iz how to swim :-)

Happy Birthday to Us!

Today Craig and I celebrate the birthday of our family...
more commonly known as a wedding anniversary.

On this day, 6 years ago - we made a commitment to one another to love, honor and cherish.

I didn't realize how powerful those words and the vows we said in front of family and friends - how truly powerful - they are.

But, my marriage is also my Achilles heel.

It's not because my marriage is weak - but because it's in my marriage that I find my greatness weakness.

And that's my husband.

He's the one I love more than life itself, the one that knows me inside and out, the one that I have no secrets from, the one that gives me strength, the one that I yield to, the one I submit to, the one that shows me happiness, and the one that can hurt me the most.

Craig's the one.

But, it's in this weakness that I find the bonds of our union to be much stronger than I ever thought possible. It's in my weakness for him that I find myself amazed at the unbelievable power a marriage has.

We said vows 6 years ago. And from those "I Do's" started a chain of events that have led to our lives today.

Our life that now includes a legacy in Isabelle. A joining of two souls to create one eternal soul.

That's power.

Married life has been a comedy - funny moments strung together - that when replayed in my memory - make me smile (inside and out).

Married life has been adventure and hard work - travel, separation (during medical school...man - 2 years apart...), parenthood, trials, that when replayed in my memory - makes me gleam with pride at what we've been through.

Married life has been romance - the millions of kisses, the big bear hugs, the youknowwhattimes - when replayed in my memory makes me blush - because after knowing him 15 years - I still get butterflies for the man that's been by my side for nearly half my life.

To many more years to come...