Dear...

July 3, 2009

Dear Czarina,
Hi me. I thought I'd write you a little note. Everyone says hindsight is 20/20. I never understood that, truly got it, until I became a Mother. Now that our little girl is over 7 months old...well...wow. Just wow...

I know you find yourself in tears a lot. You don't understand why you are crying so much and you don't understand why Iz is crying. You feel like you are doing everything by the book -but at times - it just doesn't seem like anything is working.

Me - I want you to know - it's absolutely normal to feel like you're doing everything wrong. By just wanting to be the best mom to Isabelle - you ARE the best mom for her.

I know you keep wishing for her to do more. I know you grow tired of her just laying there and sleeping. I know you can't wait to get out of the house with her and have a normal life again. I know you are begging for a routine. You get tired of holding her because you have so many things to do - clean the house, check your email, make meals.

But, Me, please stop for a second. You probably won't believe it - but Iz doesn't even want to be held now. She would rather play and crawl and stand. She'll smile in a few weeks for you and then she'll start laughing. And before you know it - she'll be sitting up, rolling over, then crawling. Don't rush it, Me. Please don't.

I know You keep asking friends and family for advice on how to get through the first few weeks. The absolute best advice I can give you, Me, is to just stop. Stop wishing the time away and hold our sweet girl. Look and memorize her features. Engrain the sweet baby smell and the absolute soft touch of her skin. Tuck away those sweet sighs Iz makes when she nurses and the sound of her little newborn cries. Don't every forget those moments - because it passes by so quickly.

But, Me, I want you to know that it does get better. Our girl is SO fun. She is the most amazing little creation (I know - I'm bias). But, I look at her sweet face - and see God's grace, see my joy, and see a creation made out of pure love from Craig and me. Iz is smart. She loves to listen to music, loves to tap her little foot to beats, loves to crawl, loves to stand. She is a trooper and will give up her swaddle blanket and paci. I know - you don't believe me, Me. But she does. She will eventually sleep through the night - but Me - know you never will. You will still wake and rush to her, put your hand on her chest, and feel the rhythmic motion of her breathing.

I know nursing is a PITA. But, what if I tell you, Me, that 7 months later, you'll feel sad knowing that your milk supply is dropping and you'll have to start formula soon. I know - you don't believe it. You'll get through this - just like you'll get through the next 6 months.

Me - hold her. Hold her and cherish every second. Don't waste time stressing over a sink full of dishes, baskets full of laundry, those last few pounds of baby weight. All those things - they'll take care of themselves. What if I tell you that 7 months later - you'll wake up after 3 hours of sleep, pass by a mountain of toys left on the ground, see a little baby sock that somehow end up in the dog's dish, glance over at a sink full of dirty dishes - most baby bottles and little baby bowls, walk by the utility room that is exploding with dirty clothes (mainly little footie PJs and onesies), and into Iz's room - see her standing in her crib - and see your little girl's face light up with the biggest grin - just because you walked into the room. Would you believe me - that that simple moment - makes all the other stuff - just well - stuff...and it's not as significant as you thought.

Me - you'll get through it. But I hope you know that the getting through it - the sleepless nights, the teething, the fevers, the tantrums - all these things are just as great as the laughs, the smiles, and way Iz rests her hand on our face and gives us a grin.

Hindsight and all...don't let it pass you by.

Love,
Me (February 9, 2010)

Keeping my mouth shut

Do you ever think to yourself "what in world have I gotten myself into?"

Hmm...

I do this a lot.

Like when I thought for sure me squeezing my post baby body into a pair of pre-baby jeans a couple of months after I had Isabelle - for a night out on the town - and midway through the drive to Dallas I started to lose feeling in my thighs. And I still had a night of dinner ahead of me...well...that was one of those moments.

Blog readers, you probably wonder where I've been. What the heck I've been doing with all my time. I'm sure those that have faith in me truly and utterly believe that I am nurturing my little mini-me and using all my spare time to care for my home, for my child and my husband. Because, I am a full time mother - and I'm staying at home full time.

FULL TIME.

That's my gig.

So, why in the world did I decide to add onto my FULL TIME gig with another job...ok...a full time job and a part time job.

I promise you this - my blog won't turn into an infomercial about my new businesses.

The fact that I sell awesome Scentsy products - wickless candles for your home, work and car. It's safe for the family (wax never exceeds body temperature), the warmers are super cute and the amazing scents. Well - I promise you I won't talk about it. Just go to my site and buy the stuff already. You'll be so glad you did.

And I promise you I won't talk about my new, super duper business venture with my sister. You won't hear me talk about Zen Baking Company. You won't hear me talk about how amazing our cake balls are. You won't hear me tell you that you can have them shipped across the city, across the state, across the nation - and they'll be as pretty and as yummy as if they just left our kitchens. You won't hear me talk about how Zen Baking Company gives 1% of our proceeds every month to a charity. You won't hear me talk about how our customers get to decide which charities. And all people have to do is buy cake balls. Yummy, yummy cake or cookie dough balls from Zen Baking Company. Nope - not one bit. You won't hear me talk about it.

What you will talk about is how much I love Isabelle and how much I love being a wife. Ya'll already know this. But, let's discuss my life the last week or so - shall we...

So - I've been busy. Getting ready to launch the website for Zen Baking Company (I swear - this is the last time) and catching up on the transition to our spring line for Scentsy.

I'm either at the computer, in the kitchen trying out recipes, on the phone trying to get our cake balls as the product for an event....

Poor baby Bug. She is getting the short end of the stick here. I think she sat in her bouncy and cried for 10 minutes because I was on the phone with a customer. I'm pretty sure the lady in Boston I talked to about her order didn't appreciate Isabelle's cries as I tried to change her poopy diaper.

I'm sure I broke all sorts of rules as I popped Iz in her high chair as I tried new recipes in the kitchen and gave her empty (but clean) plastic containers to play with. I'm pretty sure one of them said - "do not give to children - choking hazard." But for whatever reason, the dang lid to the cottage cheese container was the only thing in the house that would keep her happy (mind you - we have toys - lots of them, big ones, small ones, noisey ones, quiet ones...)

I'm sure my husband - my sweet, patient, husband (who faithfully reads my blog)- - didn't appreciate the fact that we had cold pizza and left overs twice in one week. The fact that I'm up to my ear balls (wait - eye balls) - in trying to put orders into Scentsy (really - no more business talk) and finish the spread sheet to figure out costs of cake balls for Zen Baking Company...and completely letting dishes pile up, laundry to amass in the corner (there was morning when I heard Craig rifling through our drawers and I secretly thought "oh crap - I hope he has underwear..."), letting Iz cry it out in the bouncy....all to get these two businesses up and running.

"What have I gotten myself into?"

Easy - I want a life at home with Isabelle and Craig.

Medical school is still a possibility - just not now. But, I knew that if I didn't take these leaps into the business world - selling Scentsy and starting a business from scratch in Zen Baking Co. - I knew I'd never have the cojones to do it. I never knew how important being at home with Iz would mean to me. Granted - I'm not home with her 2 mornings a week while I work in the kitchen and granted I'm still on the computer while she crawls around in her play cage and granted I'm on a conference call while I'm nursing....but I'm here. I still get to see her sleepy face when she wakes up. I get to take breaks - leave my office aka spare bedroom - and sing songs to my baby Bug.

I'm stretched so thin now - with time, energy, emotions - I could probably snap.

But, I look at my life I've made these 7 or so months with Isabelle and Craig and I know in my heart this is where I belong.

So - "what in the world have I gotten myself into?''

A beautiful, crazy mess that is my new life as a work from home mom.

Join me, blog readers, as we enter into this new world together...

Tight rope

I really never went to the circus as a kid. Clowns scare me.

But, one act that always amazed me was the tight rope walkers. I mean, come on! Walking in a straight line and trying to keep your balance - I only had to do that once in the middle of the night, after I had left a party and the copped stopped me...wait...err..never mind...

But really, it's a balancing act that takes true skill.

And it's something that all mother's have to master.
Walking the tight rope.

something I've realized is that parenting is all about balance. You don't want to go in one direct too far and when you realize you may doing something wrong, you quickly have to readjust yourself or you're going to fall, or fail.

Balancing act #1 - the nursing act - I was sure by the time Iz was 6 months old she would be completely weaned from breast feeding and on formula full time. I teeter tottered throughout the first couple of months - should I give her formula, should I just nurse her? I knew that if I nursed her exclusively it would be beneficial for her immunity. But then I also knew that if I introduced formula at a feeding or two, it would get her used to bottle feeding and formula in general. So, I walked that tight rope - leaning one way towards only nursing...realizing I had to try formula soon...but I had walked the tight rope too long...and I couldn't get my balance back - and now my soon to be toddler is completely turned off by formula and won't take one sip of it. Oops - off the rope I went...

Balancing act #2 - the playmate act - I want to be Isabelle's best friend and not just her milk cow. Craig walks into the door and you'd think Edward Cullen walked in...she is THAT happy. But, since I'm with her throughout the day, I can't be up in her two teethed mini grill all day. I have shows to watch, er, chores to do. More importantly, I want her to learn a bit of independence and I need to be ok with allowing her to play independently. I try to balance my time with her - giving her time to play in her baby cage as I work out on the elliptical, every once in a while she'd look up from her toys, give me a smile as I huff and puff to Rhianna, and go back to playing. Then there are times I put her down, take two steps from her baby cage, and she screams like she just saw the Volturi (sorry...I am re-reading "Breaking Dawn"...vamps on the brain). I try to balance both - walking the tight rope as her playmate and showing her it's ok to have alone time (and how absolutely awesome alone time can be...spoken like a mom who lacks alone time, eh).

Balance act #3 - the ouchie act - I don't ever want Isabelle to be in any pain. Her cries when she's upset are sad enough. And I know when she hurts, man, her cries are down right heart breaking. But now that she's crawling and pulling up AND cruising, I can't put her in a bubble wrap suit and move into a gigantic bounce house. Hold on a sec...how awesome would that be...sorry...I'm weird. So, she's a 7 month old on her way to toddler hood. On her way to terrorizing my beautiful, little house. Before she becomes Satan, aka, a toddler, she needs to learn how to stand and walk. But her tiny little stick chub legs are still learning balance - and she's going to fall. And when she falls - she's going to get ouchie's. And then she's going to cry. And then I'm going to feel bad for letting her fall even though I know in my heart there is NO way I can follow her around all day. And then I'm going...you get it. Trying to balance protecting her and letting her learn on her own...

So what do we do Mommies? How do we balance and walk the tight rope? Because let's be real...there we'll face different balancing acts as we go through motherhood. Welp - we wear harnesses. Harnesses composed of other Mommies who've been there, harnesses of friends who are willing to take your calls of frustration, and harnesses composed of spouses who are supporting us and rooting us on. We're going to try to walk it. We're going to lean one way too far sometimes and maybe even fall. But, we're not going to do it alone. Rely on those around you - those that love you - to pull you back up and catch you before you fall.

216

Craig and I went to bible study on Sunday. We talked about how important communication in our marriage and the biblical principles that surrounded marriage.
One important aspect we touched on as a married group is the importance on putting your spouse before your children.

As a new parent, I am guilty of putting Isabelle's needs before Craig's. Of course - she needs me in different ways - in all ways - since she can't do anything for herself. Imagine if she could didn't need me for meals, to do her laundry, to clean her room...wait a sec...I do all these things for Craig too...hmmm ;-)

But, then someone brought up the number 216.

216 - that's the number of months until your kid turns 18 and is supposed to leave the house...

Seems like a big number, right?

Looking at it now....it seems very, very, small.

Biblically - we raise children up for them to leave us. And then after we leave, we have still have our spouse. That's why it's so important for husbands and wives to communicate with one another - to have regular date nights - to continue to get to know each other through the years when the kids are in the home. Because one day - the kids will leave. One of my greatest fears is Isabelle and maybe Baby H. #2 walking out the door and going off to school, leaving our home, and leaving behind 2 people who are now strangers.

What if they leave and I look at Craig and I don't know him anymore because of the time and effort we put into our kids and stopped putting effort towards our marriage? Will I know all of my childrens' favorite foods, favorite places, favorite stories, favorite hobbies but then look at the man I've been married to (God willing) for over 20 years and not know the man he evolved to while I was so focused on soccer games, cheerleading, PTA, etc?

216

Luckily - I have a really great husband who plans regular date nights, makes sure we have quiet time each day to reconnect and talk about our lives...

But, man, I am guilty of just wanting to head to bed after a long day, not say a word to anyone after Isabelle's been put down, and get some rest...

Motherhood is hard - no matter if you stay at home or work outside the home. You add a marriage in that - the work - truly - WORK that it involves to keep it exciting, relevant to the times, intimate, and really - just a priority...and that's a lot to squeeze in an 18 hour day.

216

The small little number also makes me rethink why I try to rush Isabelle. I'm always wishing her to do more. When she was a wee one - I kept wishing for her to just hold her head up, sit up, hold her bottle, play with her toys...

Now - I blinked and she's developed so quickly. She's sitting up, crawling, eating baby food, babbling and gasp - pulling up! Pretty soon I'll have a toddler...

Craig and I were talking about all of this and how quickly time is going by and how fast she's developing. He started to rub his head like he does when he gets upset and looks at me and says "Soon we'll have to deal with all the girl stuff..."

Really? And I laughed because after all this time he still can't look at me and talk maturely about - well - girl stuff...

At least I know after 216 months - I'll still have a husband that makes me laugh...

7 months old!

SO MUCH FUN!!!

Man, I heart this girl!!

There's a good chance I might have cried when Isabelle turned 7 months old on the 19th.

Holy Moly.... _____________________________________

I'll give you three guesses, blog readers, to what I'm about to say next:

1. . "...I can't believe people still think wearing bras with clear plastic bra straps is a good substitute for a strapless one."
2. "...the choice to get double beans instead of rice at the Mexican restaurant was not my greatest moment."
3. "...I can't believe Isabelle is already 7 months old! Time flies!"
4. 
   

If you guessed 3, you are correct!

Ding! Ding! Ding!

I wish I could say things were easier. Being a Mommy is a lot of work and the work doesn't get easier - it just evolves into a different kind of hard.

When Isabelle was first born, I didn't know a thing about her. Her cries were foreign to me and I'd just stick a boob in her mouth in hopes of shutting her up, erm, soothing her. She was floppy, cute in an alien kind of way, and would sleep and sleep and sleep.

The months past and we went from not so floppy to a sturdy, rough, and tough baby girl. She's kind of brute. She's not the delicate little flower I had pictured in my mind - I thought for sure I'd have a gentle, cuddly little angel baby. But, Iz, she's still a sweet baby girl - just a brute. She bangs her toys, crawls (oh - did I mention that she crawls....) over - ok more like barrels over things, she hits and thinks its funny....and she is NOT a cuddler (sniff, sniff...)

She cries. And cries LOUD. She wants to make it known to everyone around her when she is not happy. And maybe she is trying to get back to her roots....since I'm pretty sure people in the Philippines can hear her. But, now I know her cries. I know her hungry cry, her bored cries, her poopy diaper cries, her tired cries, her whatthehellareyoudoingwoman cries.....and I normally remedy the situation before CPS knocks on my door.

She sleeps. BWAHAHAHA!

Whoo...sorry....I had to belt out that loud guffaw (I heart that word guffaw....I hope I'm using it right).

Isabelle was sleeping through the night at 4 months old. Then around 5 months - she started night waking. And yes, we cried it out. I was strong and didn't go to her. Craig was strong and pretended to be asleep, err, stayed sound asleep. We blame it on teeth. I blame everything on teeth. Which now we have 2 teeth...so 'tis ok. Kind of like how everyone blames the Republican party for the stall in the healthcare bill...no one knows how to fix it...so they have to blame someone or something....without much merit....(ooh - touchy, touchy....)

But, we're lucky. She sleeps from 7am - 5am and then back to bed after her 5am nurse about 4 days a week. The other 8 days out of the week - she wakes up repeatedly in the middle of the night grabbing her mouth and rolling around in her crib...poor baby (poor Mommy...)...

But Iz is a blast. She is so much fun! She is army crawling, laughs, loves to play, eats her cereal, fruits and veges, is still exclusively nursing (her decision...not mine), loves her Daddy, loves her doggies, loves bath time, loves music, loves it when I rap to her (and sing....but rapping is so much more me...I'm truly gangsta), loves playing with other kids, squeals when she's excited, shakes when she gets REALLY excited...

She is everything, I never knew, I always wanted :-)

Happy 7 months, baby girl! I am so proud of you!

Ready, set....CRAWL!

Move outta the way....

Check out my teeth!

Best

KID

EVER!!

Role reversal

My parents are half way around the world in the Motherland - aka - the Philippines. They will be there for an entire month - traveling, seeing friends and family, taking side trips around Asia and most importantly - heading up a medical mission in a province called Palawan.

The day before they left - I took them out to lunch and we talked about their itinerary, they played with Isabelle, and I bid them adieu.

Some last minute "list of things to do" came up - and they stopped by our house the night before and stayed for a couple of hours as talked about the things they needed me to take care of for the clinic, for their cars, and for their house.

I bid them adieu once more - told them to call me when they got checked in before their flight the next day.

Around 9:30am on the day of their flight - I called them to make sure they got checked in ok. Of course - my mom was engrossed in her Dan Brown novel and forgot to call. I said - "No problem!" And just to please call or text me or one of my sisters when they arrived in San Francisco for their layover.

Hmmm....8pm that night. No phone call. My sister's hadn't heard from them and our calls went straight to voicemail.

Finally - after 10pm central time - I called my parents AGAIN - finally - my Mom picks up....laughter in the background.

Mom: "Hello?"

Me: "Mom! You or Dad were supposed to call us when you got there!"

Mom: "Oh yeah. Sorry - we met up with your Tatay (my grandfather) and the rest of the family and went out to eat."

Me: "Well - we were worried. You need to call us."

Mom: "Ok - sorry."

Me: "Ok - but make sure to call when you land in the Philippines. We may have a hard time calling you since it's international."

{Mom laughing. Dad in the background talking}

Mom: "Ok"

Me: "Did you hear me? What did I say?"

Mom: "You asked how the flight was."

Me: "NO! Listen to me! Make sure to call or text one of us when you land in the Philippines. What did I just say?"

Mom: "Call you when we land...ok...ok...have to go! Bye - we'll call you tomorrow!"

Me: "Mom...-"

....Dial tone...

Hmm...I replayed the conversation over and over in my head.

Why did it sound so familiar? Was it deja vu?

Nope - it's the same conversation I had with my parents many, many moons ago when I was a tween and teen..and forgot to call them when I got to so and so's house...the same conversation I had when I made the road trip from home back to college and I rushed to get ready to hit up the bar or party with my friends and forgot to call.

Man - what was I thinking!

The worry I must have put my parents through. And the worry that inevitably Iz will put Craig and I through.

A simple phone call to ease anxious minds. A simple phone call to stop the pacing. A simple phone call. The many calls I "forgot" or intentionally forgot to make and the anxiety I must have put my parents through as they waited to hear my voice - safe and sound.

Now - years later - the simple phone call they forgot to make and the foreshadowing of what's to come in my future with Isabelle (the excuses, the "I forgot's, the "I'm sorrys)....

Oh boy...

Payback' a B*%$CH!

Everything I learned about parenting

I learned in the past 6 months....

And I'm pretty sure in the next 6 more months...all those tricks and rules are going to go out the window..

There are a few things that I'm sure of:

• Once you get a routine - give it a week or so - and be ready for that routine to be obsolete. I am all about making sure Iz gets up, eats, naps, plays, starts bedtime - all around the same time everyday. Sometimes the fact that I'm so rigid with her routine - sets her up for failure. If we are 30 minutes late for lunch or I decide that it's more important for me to try on those size 2 jeans again (and cry because they still don't fit) at the mall....she flips out - melts down - and we leave in tears (me - cuz of the jeans, her cuz she's tired and hungry...) And my baby Bug...she can't tell time yet (I know...we're working on it) - so even though she slept through the night for 4 months straight...once those teeth came in - the fact that it was 3am - welp -she doesn't really care (and neither do the teeth)...and she screams and cries...

• The crib was the Devil's creation - really - why does it have to be so hard to put it together, adjust the level of the mattress, and change the dang crib sheets. Craig and I don't really fight (that's because I'm always right....hehehe) - but when we had to lower Iz's crib down a level because she has started to pull up...there were lots of 4 and 5 letter words trying to figure out how to do it. And the changing of the crib sheets...you add in the changing of the bumper...let's just say there have been moments where I think "Does she really need the sheets changed again...I mean...she'll never know..." But, of course, I am a germ-a-phobe - and change the sheets weekly with lots of grumbling and more 4 and 5 letter words.

• I love the U.S. and A....I really do. But something's up when people who have bad intentions get on airplanes but yet...BUT YET...there is maximum security on ALL toys. Christmas day - we were so excited to get Isabelle's toys out to play with them. But, it turned out it would take us until New Year's Day to get all of the toys out in their entirety. The twisty ties that hold toys in the case, the plastic that surrounds them, and the layers of tape that encircle the dang thing....really, REALLY?!?

Raising a baby. Raising a kid...you think you know...but you have NO IDEA! And that's what's so fun about it :-)