BB#9 (kind of)

BB started with a one on one with Drill Master Sargent Jodie.

We started to talk about my goals and expectations for the last 4 weeks of class.

I was ready to start with my speech of wanting to be healthy, wanting to maintain my weight and really focus on my inner me - blah, blah, blah.

But she veered away from the workouts and scales and said, "I know how much of a commitment it is for you to be here - especially with your business. And I think it's awesome what you're doing with Zen."

Then I cried.

Not from the "chair pose," or stairs, or reverse pull ups, or planks.

I had a mini break down.

There's always that green grass.

The one I stared at when I was a stay at home mom. The other side of the fence where I would watch Mom's work away from home, have "me" time at their desk, be apart from the ankle biter that would consume their day. The other side of the fence where those mom's got to drop off their kids - drive away - and leave the crying, pooping thing for hours - and be around adults.
I secretly envied that. The time away.

And now I'm away a lot.

I have friend who just quit her job to be a stay at home mom pretty much at the same time I started to really put hours in for Zen Baking Company. My gut turned inside out. I felt like I was doing the wrong thing - leaving Iz to go back to work.
The problem here - is that as much stress as starting a business is - I remember once upon a time - I would dream about owning my own bakery. And now I'm making the dream happen.

But dreams take a lot more work than I ever thought possible.

Now, I'm looking over the fence again. At the greener grass of my stay at home mom friends with endless amounts of time with their kids, envious that they get to "sit" around all day (BWAHAHA!), sad that I miss out on the daily playdates, mom's outings...

I've been on both sides now. You always want the other, don't you?

Fence 1 - Can't wait to be around adults and back at work and time for just you - away for the kid.

Fence 2- Wishing I was just at home, with my kid, my dogs, and my simple stay at home life.

I love my kid. I love her down to the core of who I am. I love her so much it hurts to the point that tears start to well up in my eyes.

I also love this opportunity I'm getting with Zen. Love that I took that leap - away from the person I was expected to be to the person I dreamed I could become.

Both sides of the fence are so different. And I know that working away from my kid means missing her sweet chubby face and her sticky little hands. And I also know from being at home missing the sweet, sweet goodness of time - alone - with my own thoughts.

Enter in Body Back.

Supposed to be about getting in shape.

But, Jodie has become my counselor. She's asked me to give 70% to the program - not even asking 100% like she does from the others.

She knows I'm stretched like Gumby and unfortunately - saw me snap and break. No judgements, just hugs and encouragement. From one mom to another.

That's what I got.

That's what it's about.

About mom's learning to get back to who they are and who they want to be. And doing so by strengthing your body, mind and spirit around others who are just like you - moms.

With the help of a Drill Master...Softey.