Travel back in time with me - will you?

Take my e-hand - blog readers, climb in the DeLorean, and let's head back to:

October 13, 2008

One year ago from today...


I had developed a hobby in the past few months. I peed on sticks. I had recently gotten off birth control. Craig and I had discussed that we wanted to start trying for a baby in 2009 and hopefully be pregnant by 2010 - and of course - being in medical school - I knew my body would need to at least have 3 normal menstrual cycles before conception was a possibility. And - that of course could take at least a year - if not longer. I had been off birth control for a little over 2 months and being responsible - I would pee on sticks before I'd partake in libations. But, as usual, the stick would only have one line - pass me the Shiner Bock!

On October 13, after I booked a non-refundable trip to Europe - I was headed out to run errands and make a fancy dinner - complete with wine. I peed on a stick and rushed out the door. Of course - since I'd gotten used to only seeing one line - I didn't bother to look.

My day went on as normal and later that afternoon - I had to use the loo (I just booked a trip to London - I was learning their language). I do what you do in bathrooms and reached over to throw the pregnancy test I had taken early that morning.

Hold on. This one looked different.

Two lines? What does that mean, exactly? Maybe it meant...no...could I be pregnant?

There's no way! I know I wasn't on birth control but doesn't "pulling and praying" count as some sort of contraception method???

So - I did what any normal person would do - I went to the store and picked up 5 more tests - not the Dollar Store tests I had purchased before - but the fancy kind that actually read "Pregnant" or "Not-Pregnant."

All.five.tests.came.back.as.PREGNANT!

I called my doctor in a frenzy and he agreed to see me. His tests came back "inconclusive" so he went ahead and ordered blood work for me.

What was I going to do? We didn't plan on this happening. Not yet - we had no place to live - our lease was up in a month, I was still in school...

Craig walks in the door...I look up at him and start crying. "I'm pregnant. I'm sorry."

He looks stunned at first. Takes me in his arms and asks why I'm sorry. I told him I didn't mean for this to happen - like all of it was my fault or something. I am a planner. We had plans. And a baby wasn't one of them.

We took a walk and talked about it. I couldn't get excited yet - this wasn't the right time. God has a sense of humor, huh? Just when you think you're in control - He throws you a curve baby.

The next week I had bleeding and cramping. Now this - I knew wasn't right. My doctor calls me and tells me the levels don't look good and with the bleeding and cramping...he delicately tells me that "this one might not take."

At that moment - my world suddenly shattered. I didn't realize that this little embryonic creature had already nestled her way into my heart. I gasped as I cried, my fingers trembled as I called Craig to tell him what the doctor had said...all of a sudden - this baby was the only thing in the world I wanted...this was the right plan...this was the right time.

The doctor would see me in a couple more weeks to do a sonogram and check blood levels again. I continued to bleed, was put on partial bed rest and was warned again to not get my hopes up (too...late.)

But, blog reader, you know this story has a happy ending. We made it past the first trimester and the rest is her-story. Isabelle's story...

I can't believe it's been a year. You're given 9 months to prepare for motherhood - but nothing truly does. Nothing prepares you for the mixture of emotions - the exhaustion, the elation, the excitement, the frustration...the absolute joy a baby brings into a life.

Now she's about to be 4 months old. Four months have passed and I've already given her a million kisses, shed buckets of tears - both happy and sad, told her I love her so much that it sounds like a broken record....
The only plans I have now are to hold her and love her because I know one day she won't let me.

Now is the right time to capture and hold onto my memories of her - her sweet chubby hands, her big gummy smile, her contagious laugh, her absolutely delicious baby scent...and the content sigh as she nuzzles my neck as I hold when she sleeps.

One year ago today....