MINE!

Iz loves to hold onto things really tight - toys, food, car keys, expensive Iphones, machetes (ha - just kidding....making sure you were awake) - and say "MINE!" Really, it comes out as "muh" or "mum mum." But, the action of holding it close to her is very clear....dang girl...she knows what's HERS!

I am queen of BUTS. (Not queen of Butts...I have no butt - really - it's non existent. Jeans fit me weird. Heard of apple butts and pear butts...nope...I have a pancake butt)...anyhoo..back to the other BUT...

How many times do we make up excuses:

"I'd like to BUT ______"

"I need to BUT _______"

"I should, BUT _______"

And more so likely than not, the BUT is a valid BUT. Lately - the BUT - is Isabelle related, exhaustion related, you know....the normal mom BUTS.

I just worry that we are going to BUT ourselves to death, blog mommies, and realize that we are sacrificing a lot more than what we really need to be sacrificing.

We are all so used to putting our families first - the needs of our kids, our husbands, our jobs - first - that we BUT ourselves into a corner where we're stuck all alone with a person you no longer know. The person who once had dreams, had goals, had aspirations, had clean clothes, had washed hair - but the BUT of our lives forces us to lose so much of ourselves.

I know how important the needs of a child (a real kid and then the big kid aka husbands) in our lives are. I'm not talking about neglecting them...I'm just talking about putting you - and - me first for just a second.

I'm pretty convinced I don't do it - because after I give myself a break to get my hair did, or after my shopping spree for clothes I really did need, or to just sit and do absolutely nothing - I feel guilty. Guilty because - for some ridiculous reason - I feel like me time should have been spent with Iz or Craig, the money on my clothes should have been spent on diapers (instead of Iz using the super duper absorbent maxi pads they gave me post baby), and the time I zoned out to watch a show for 30 minutes should have been used to finish a chore left half done.

I'm at a point where my me is mommy and wife. My baking business - Zen Baking Company - has been a great outlet for me to use my creativity and though it's work - time for me to get back to something I love - and that's creating, baking, and making things for people to enjoy.

But, if I didn't have Zen....I'm not sure what I'd have that was MINE. I used to love taking cooking classes BUT they're at night and it's too much effort to drive out to Dallas. I used to love going and trying new restaurants - and do it up right - dress up, heels and all, a glass (or bottle) of wine - appetizer, entree, dessert, BUT - it's a lot of work to get ready and dinners get expensive. I love to read BUT I don't have the time.

But...

Find a MINE - blog friends. Take a few moments to get to the heart of who you are again. I know that I've given so much of me to everyone - my cute kid, my loving husband, my wonderful family, and my awesome friends - that I've forgotten the things that are mine - just all about me.

And give yourselves the chance to enjoy your MINE - without guilt, without apologies.

Take a cue from the cutest kid I know....and find your MINE once again.

Things that make you go "hmm..."

You know what I've discovered about motherhood and parenthood? There are a lot of unanswered questions. A lot of things that I have no idea about, don't have a clue about, and don't really want to discover the answers to.

Things that make me go "hmm..." (feel free to put on your 90's gear - Doc Marten's, Z Cavaricci's, and or wear your overalls with only one strap done - and sing the phrase..)

1. How do I put 10 baby socks in the wash and end up with only 7-8 when it's time to fold clothes?

2. Why does "n0 nap" = wired child? Shouldn't no nap make my kid want to sleep earlier?

3. When I purchase very expensive, development learning tools for my kid (aka toys) why does she always - ALWAYS - prefer the Dollar Store toy, a tupperware lid, plastic bag, or empty tissue box?

4. Why do the toys that light up and sing songs always go off randomly in the middle of the night? It's like a scene from "The Shining" or "Chucky." Creepy...

5. Who in the world thought it would be a great idea to pair middle aged men in crazy orange outfits, characters that look like they should be on adults sites, and songs about not biting your friends? Well...it works...and my kid loves it.

6. When does the worrying stop? At each stage there's a new worry, a new fear... It doesn't get easier.

7. Why is it when you brag about something your kid is doing - like napping or sleeping through the night - the very next night or day - your kid makes you look like a fool and decides sleeping isn't the "in" thing and stops doing it?

8. How come I wipe my kid's face and hands all day long, make sure she's changed and clean -but still at the end of they day she smells like she's been down home on the farm?

9. Where are the true "convenience" stores? True convenience stores would be a drive up window where I can tell them I need this and that - and they have it ready for me. If I still have to pack up my kid in the car, take her out of the car, walk down aisles and stand in line to buy something...it's NOT convenient. (Hmmm...business idea...)

10. Why is it that everyday I find myself loving my kid more and more...

Things that make you go "hmmm..."

Serial apologizer

"Hello, my name is Czarina. And I'm an apologizer."

**Blog readers please reply**

"Hello, Czarina."

I'm stuck in a rut of apology. I do it all the time. EVERY TIME.

Every time someone walks into my house.

I apologize.

I apologize for the mess...

For the toys on the ground.

For the dirty dishes in the sink.

For the laundry piled high - on the floor, in the hall, on the couch.

For the half empty baby bottles strewn around the house.

For the baby sock that found it's way on the stove.

For the clumps of dog hair that litter my wood floors.

For the mini hand prints that are on windows that are streaked and filthy.

For the layer of dust that once was invisible to a very visible layer - on the blinds, on the end tables, on the T.V., on the mantle.

For the hippo, the duck and the star fish (that sounds like an awesome beginning to a joke..) that have made their way into the bathroom sink and are on vacation until bath time.

For the cold meal sitting on the table - a resemblance of a breakfast or lunch that was truly meant to be eaten - but something (**ahem** Isabelle ** ahem**) - prevented the delicious bowl of cereal or frozen pizza from getting into my tummy.

For the bathrooms that have soap scum, rings around the tub, and the toilet that could the stunt double for a toilet of any rest stop on Route 66.

For this that didn't get cleaned, scrubbed, washed, swept, mopped, dusted, picked up...

I do. I apologize profusely for the state of my house.

I try to be the clean one. I used to be the clean freak. I want to be that freak of nature again that would stay up until the house was shiny. But, now I'm tired. I have this thing called a kid that constantly needs me or needs something. I think of it as major accomplishment that she stays clean. At least I keep her face clean, her hands washed, her clothes reasonably presentable.

I'm not trying to blame Iz for my lack of cleanliness. I just realize that I don't have huge chunks of time to get things done like I used to. Now that I'm back at work part time - it's really, really hard to keep things tidy.

Don't be too quick though, blog friends, to nick name me Oscar or write to A&E and get my house on "Hoarders". I don't want to live like this - I truly want a very clean, picked up, new car smell kinda house. I have a fantastic lady that comes once a month to do the deep cleaning but the in between time - I am just scrambling to keep the hall ways free and clear for human passage.

I used to have a list of people that I would clean for. It would include family, friends, the cable guy, the phone guy, the lawn people...

But, I realized one morning when I woke up at 5am to clean my house (after Iz had been up since 3:30am) - for the guy to repair my ceiling - I found myself in tears from exhaustion as I tried to pick up and mop for the stranger who doesn't give a hoot about the dirty dishes in my sink.

I realized that I needed to let it go. To stop the compulsion to clean and the mean things (the LIES) I would say in my head about me - TO ME - "failing as a wife and a mother since I'm a stay at home mom and my job is to keep my house clean."

I still apologize every now and then. Now, it's more of a habit. I don't really care if the guy from Dish Network calls his buddies and tells them he saw 5 million toys on the ground. I pick up for company and wipe down sinks, counters, bathrooms, sweep and mop at least once a week - but I don't do the crazy dance and wake up at 5am to get it done anymore.

I do what I can. I clean and pick up between tantrums, between meals and during naps...which friends..isn't a lot of time.

So here's the deal.

Real life friends - don't be me. Don't be a serial apologizer. At least don't apologize if I ever come over and your house isn't how you want it. I get it. I really don't mind the toys on the ground, the dishes in the sink, the dust, the laundry. I think it gives your - and my - house character ;-)

Imagine a world where we would walk into each other's home - messes and all - and we as sisters united to not apologize for the beautiful mess that is our life - and we knew - we really knew - it was totally and utterly ok to not have our houses pristine.

Unite friends...unite.

**And we all join hands and yell in unison**

"YA! YA!"

Easter 2010

Iz celebrated her first Easter!

Now that I have a child, I am utterly and completely humbled by what God did for us. He gave His only Son, HIS child, to us to die for our sins. I am not worthy, I am fallible - but because Jesus came to this Earth, lived a perfect life, died for my sins (every.single.one) - I am given an amazing Grace.

Humbled.

So, I shared the story of the Resurrection with my little Bug. She looked at me with wide eyes and didn't say a word. Finally - she opened up her mouth and said "Mama." Ok - not quite the profound conversation about Easter I was hoping for but I'm pretty sure she just let it all sink in.

We had a great weekend with family. And on Sunday, Craig, Iz and I went to church, had Easter lunch, and let Iz rest at home the rest of the day (she's still getting over a nasty ear infection and cough/cold...yuck).

What a great weekend!

No way...9 months already?!?

Iz turned 9 months on March 18th...yeah, yeah...I know I'm behind. We're busy, busy bees over here in Tejas.

Iz's 9 months stats:

Weight: 16 lbs 1 oz - 10th percentile
Height: 29 inches - 75th percentile
Head: forget but 50th percentile
She had another ear infection and a pretty nasty cough/cold...but she's a trooper and seems to be feeling better.

Here are 9 fun things about my big 9 month old girl!

9. Her superhero name would be "FlashIncredibleHulk" She's a fast little one but incredibly strong (just like her Daddy...). Taking pictures of her is quite the task these days and keeping her contained is very, very difficult.

8. She loves, loves music and loves to play her little instruments and dance!

7. She eats everything and loves to eat. She loves Puffs and Mum Mums (and so does Mommy...the things have -10 calories for about 1000 Puffs...). She eats 3 meals, 2 snacks, takes 3 bottles and nurses only once...

6. YUP! She's finally found a formula that she loves. She loves it so much she turns away from me and reaches for her bottle. Woo hoo and boo hoo at the same time...

5. She can't play on her own. She cries and cries. I try to ignore her so she can learn to independently play but then I cave. It's sad to see the little tears when she should be playing...

4. She's still in some 3-6 months clothes. Her 6-9 month onesies fit but are baggy. Her 9 month onesies give her saggy butt. She's a petite baby bug.

3. Favorite words to say: Dada, Mama, Dee (Daisy), Dah (Dog), Uh oh (my favorite), Muh (more).

2. She is taking after me in the allergy department and has really, really, REALLY, bad allergies to cats.

1. She's the most awesomest, bestest, incrediblest baby in the whole wide world!

Picture taking is a task...

Mama - no more pictures please.....

Everything's better with Daddy!

Cold day...

Baby bath time...love her

Drama