He caught me

Maybe it was the nostalgia from the day.

I threw a baby shower for my sweet friend Lisa. And when I say "threw" - I really mean - I made a few sandwiches, cleaned my house (ok not really - the housekeeper came and Roomba helped), set out some chairs - and the most of the guests brought the rest of the food. Ms. Manners already sent me an email and shook her e-finger at me ;-)

She looks great...I need to get to the gym more...blech...

yum...yum

All the itty, bitty, baby clothes and the teeny tiny diapers...and the excitement of a new baby - stayed with me the rest of the day.

Isabelle and Craig went to church and to his parent's house in the morning and stayed all day so I could get ready for the shower and enjoy some time with my friends without Iz.
And I missed her....and Craig...but really...mainly her.

I realized that I have an unhealthy attachment to her. I kind of like the kid. She's the cat's meow...the bee's knees...pretty great. Even when she says mean things to me.

{insert video of Iz talking and it's super cute but it's taking 10 hours to upload it onto youtube}

I put her to bed around 7pm and decided I needed to get to bed myself soon after. Since Iz has been waking up every night for the past couple of weeks - I've only had about 3 hours a night of sleep - so I knew that bedtime at 8pm was a must.

I checked on her right before I went to bed. I looked down at her in her crib and realized how big she has gotten. I laid my hand on her chest to feel her breathe, said my nightly prayer over her, and then her little hand moved down to mine and those chubby fingers grabbed a hold of one of mine.

I stayed there and watched her sleep for about 10 minutes and decided it was time to let her sleep. I curled up under the duvet, checked my phone to make sure it was on silent, went to hit the "lock' button but hit the camera option instead.

It took me to the pictures and I started to scroll down. I looked at pictures of her birth all the way to a few days ago. I just can't believe how quickly time has flown by. All of a sudden I have this kid that is babbling, sitting up, crawling, starting to pull up and stand...when did this happen?

Sometimes it feels like my heart can't take it. The speed at which life is happening scares me. I don't feel like I take enough moments to enjoy her - and it's really bad when I don't get sleep and spend days in a haze of exhaustion and just count the hours until Craig gets home.

I started to cry. Ok - really - I started to sob. The kind of sobbing that is ugly. The kind of crying where your eyes are red, your nose is dripping, your glasses are fogging up....not the pretty Hollywood cry. Craig was in the living room watching a movie that had lots of explosions and car chases - so I figured he wouldn't hear me.

Then - the door opens. Uh oh - he caught me. He walks over to me...yes... I'm still under the covers - but I'm holding my tear soaked phone, look at him through the fog of my glasses, fighting through the big gulps and hiccups...and say, "I'm fiiiiine....*hiccup*. I *gulp* am just saaad."

He says, "Are you sad about Bug?"

Me: *hee hee huh* "Yess...it's happening too fast..." *SOB*

Him: "I know. But that's what they do. They grow up."

And he gives me a hug and goes back to his spy thriller.

I decided it was time to surrender to my exhaustion, put up the phone, wipe my tears, blow my nose, and go to bed.

30 years old...and I cried myself to sleep....p.a.t.h.e.t.i.c....