"C" word

It's dirty.

I hate it.

Hate is a strong word. I know. I only use it when absolutely necessary.

And this is a necessary time.

The "C" word.

I hate it.

I feel like it's in my daily vocabulary. I can't go a day without thinking about it, using it, and then despising it.

Compare. (or comparison...or comparing...)

The "C" word.

{What other "C" word is there?}

Compare.

I do this all the time. You'd think as a 30 year old woman I'd be over the whole hullabaloo of comparing myself with my peers and even strangers.

But I still do it. And one thing I've learned is that comparing yourself is that it's no win, a lose-lose...like a dog chasing it's tail - it's a lot of effort with absolutely no good outcome.

I compare myself to other mom's. And the group of women I'm surrounded with - well - it's tough. I have a phenomenal - and that's putting it lightly - a phenomenal group of women whom I am lucky enough to call my friends - that Iz and I are around. These ladies are great mom's. They balance their lives with so much poise. Even during melt downs - I look at these ladies and sometimes feel inadequate in my motherhood-ness. But, I know I'm doing the best I can with what God gave me. And God gives you what you can handle...and God thought highly of me when He gave me Iz ;-)

I compare myself to other women's shape. I know that we are all different. Not just the parts you see - but the inside parts too. I know our bodies are made different. I know our bodies burn food faster than others. I know how exercise changes people fast and sometimes changes people slow *cough* !ME! *cough*! But, yet - the "C" word haunts me here.

I compare my future with other futures. It's not a secret that I took off time from medical school to be a stay at home mom. Now that I've been home almost a year with Iz - many of my medical school friends (oh how I miss them), are almost done. Soon, they'll be doctors. Wow. What an accomplishment. And I can't help but compare their life - albeit vastly different than mine - with mine. Jealous much?

Ok blog readers, this post isn't an Evite to my pity party for sad Czarina.

There is a point. (I'm getting to it....I just like to ramble...one time at band camp...)

The dang "C" word is dangerous. Dirty. Does more harm than good. All comparing does is put blinders over your eyes so you fail to see the beauty and good in your current circumstance.

I'm not a great mom. But, I'm the best Momma for Iz. No other mother could be what she needs.

I'm not 5'9, 110 lbs of pure, unadulterated hotness. I'm 5'5'' and 1_ _ of a creation of God that He sees as perfect. I should take care of my body because it's a temple and because I want to be here for Craig and Isabelle for many, many more moons. The added bonus...I wear my tankini (sorry Elizabeth - I know you loathe tankinis :-D ) with pride...and a bit of a pooch/.

I'm not going to be a doctor in 5 months like so many of my friends. But, I've gotten to be a Mom for 9 months. I may not have healed patients - but I've kissed lots of boo boos.

I'm not going to stop using the "C" word and it's going to haunt me every now and then. But, it's days like today that I stop and banish the "C" word from my vocabulary and am just thankful for being me.

Crawling - not just for babies anymore

One thing I've experienced while being a mother these 9 months is that Moms do what it takes to get the job done.

The "job" being anything from breast feeding, to potty training, to housework...because let's face it...we can't ignore our other full time jobs of wife/chef/housekeeper/accountant/masteroftheuniverse forever.

We go to extreme measures to do what we need to do.

From whipping out the ladies at the Chick-Fil-A to nurse their newborn to letting their 2 year old run around the house naked for 3 days - 3 LOOOOOOOOONG days - sequestered in their home to get their kid potty trained.

We do it. No matter what...we do it.

I have this friend - we'll call her Garina. She needed to get her house clean. She had ignored the dishes, the laundry, the dirty floors long enough...the EPA threatened to put up this sign on her front door
So one morning Czarina - er - Garina - knew she needed to stick her little girl - let's call her - Belle - in her play area (with safe toys of course - Garina didn't want a visit from CPS either...) so she could get some cleaning done.

Oh whoa is me - Belle was having one of those days. You know the days - the day where the thing acts like a spider monkey and claws on your shirt, holding on for dear life to you, and won't let go. And at the slightest move of disengaging yourself from the little thing - she'd make a sound so unbearable, bust out the real tears, and stick out that lower lip - look at you with sad, sad eyes that clearly say "How can you possibly put me down and leave me?"

But, Garina was going to be strong today. Her house needed her. She had spent 45 minutes singing songs, playing dolls, making faces and showing off her best animated voices to Belle - that she knew she needed 30 minutes to just clean. So, she mustered up the strength and climbed out of Belle's play area.

Belle screamed and cried and tried to get out of jail. All the while - Garina would scream songs over the loud stream of water flowing from her sink. She'd look over at her wee one, smile really big and say "You're alright!" As Belle reached up with her pudgy hands for rescue out of her $200 play area fully equipped with foam mats, toys, love...

Garina rolled one of Belle's toys that made sound and just like a good little pup - er - girl - Belle crawled over to it and started playing. Lo and behold - Belle was distracted and started playing on her own! Garina seized the moment and started cleaning like a madwoman. Dishes in dishwasher, counter tops wiped, bottles washed, floors swept....then Belle saw Garina - the toy only distracted her for so long. Garina went back and rolled the toy again and Belle was distracted once more.

The Garina realized - if Belle didn't see her - she wouldn't get upset. And since Belle would stand up and look over her play gate, she was looking up to find her mom. So Garina did what she had to do to get her house clean. She crawled from room to room. Garina would clean the kitchen, duck under her kitchen island, crawl to the utility room and put in a load of laundry, she'd peek at Belle in her play area and would see her little love Bug's head poking over the play gate and when she didn't see her Mommy, she'd sit back down and continue to play. No tears, no drama.

Success! Clean house...dirty knees...

Full

Guilty. I am guilty of wanting more. So much more. More house, nicer cars, better body, nicer clothes, more vacations, more time, more, more, more.

But it's weekends like this past one that remind me that my life is so full.

So full.

Full of family that loves me.

Full of friends who support me and one another.

Full of blessings that I often take for granted just because I have them.

Full of moments that make up my life - and a life I am so blessed to be living.

My life that I feel is so ordinary - I am seeing now as an extraordinary everyday that I get to live.

My Story is so different from all of yours - blog readers -but take a step back and reflect on the chapters of your life....and I guarantee you'll be amazed at how amazing your story has been and all the exciting moments that are yet to unfold.

The weekend was full of an exciting first concert for my niece! Taylor Swift country rocked the American Airlines center. I LOVE her and her music. Yay for girls night with my favorite girls ever - my sisters and my niece!

On our way

Excited driver!

My sister and niece...she's jumping up and down...

Love her!

My niece's first "GNO!"

Felt weird buying beer a concert that was mainly 10 year olds...so we bought ice cream instead

I heart you T.S.

Dancing and waving her glow stick. Priceless (and maybe foreshadowing a rave in her future)

The weekend continued to get better and better as Iz had her first trip to Rainforest Cafe with her cousins. She was unsure of the animals but was really excited to sit at the table and eat Puffs.

"Lady - you're crazy. That animal is moving..." - Iz.

3 kids, 2 babies, 3 adults, 1 waiter...chaos


What up?

And then some of my very best friends threw a bridal shower for my amazing friend Cassidy. Cassidy is the kind of friend that is there. She is ALWAYS there... no matter what. She's the friend that checks up on you, brings you cupcakes or bundt cakes, texts you to see how you're doing...the kind of friend any person would be lucky to have. She's had quite the journey in the dating world and those broken hearts have just been Northern stars leading her to Nathan. A fantastic fiance and lucky bloke who gets to be a part of our girlfriend family!

Beautiful bride to be!

Cake ball favors!

So cute...order today!

Andrea having champagne and a splash of punch...I was laughing so hard when I took this pic. Only we would drink at 2pm...and we drank all through the games and presents. Oops.

Saturday night I went to my first boxing match. I normally would not have gone but Manny Pacquiao was fighting. Pac Man is truly the pride of the Philippines. For a country that is so poor, currently struggling with corruption in the government, wide gap of the rich and poor...Pac has given Filipinos all over the world a reason for us to hold our heads up high and be proud of our heritage. I went with my family and thanks to my very generous Dad - we had fantastic floor seats. We rooted for Pac and had a great time!

The girls

thanks for reading blog friends!

I count when I put things up...

...I start at 1 then to go 10 - and then when I get to 10 - I start back at 1 until everything is where it should be.

I love the Gilmore Girls, Little House on the Prairie, The Cosby Show (before Olivia).

When I sing to Iz, I make my voice have a vibrato so it sounds professional.

If I could eat any food for the rest of my life it would have to be Filipino food.

Just some things about me - blog readers - I figure we should get to know each other better.

But something that few people know about me is that I HATE confrontation.

I don't like confronting people about something that bothers me but I've learned to do so more and more as I get older. I realize that if I don't - then the person that is hurting me, bothering me, or doing something to irk me - will never know and it's not their fault they annoy me, made me cry, bug me.

But, I use my ninja skills when I have to face a potentially awkward situation. I use my sharp tongue, odd sense of humor, sarcasm and quick thinking . I find that if I catch someone off guard - it diffuses the situation or makes the person wholly uncomfortable and then they just go on with their bad selves and leave me be.

When I was 9 months pregnant - I guess I had a sign that said "Please rub, touch, caress my large, rotund, belly." Because I had random strangers put their paws all over my Titanic tummy without batting at eye. I would uncomfortably turn away (and being 9 months pregnant - a quick shift is hard). But one day I had had it. I was done with randoms putting their grubby hands on my belly as if I was a lucky statue before the game. So the poor, unsuspecting stranger, got a bit of my quick thinking....a lady made the normal conversation - how many months, are you nervous...and then she went in for the kill. She started to inch her way towards my belly and I grabbed her hands before she could, looked at her and smiled, put my hands on her stomach (oh - and she wasn't pregnant - a skinny little thing...she needed a cheeseburger or two), and said "wait - me first." Hmm...don't get why she went away so fast...

But fast forward to yesterday. I guess my new sign is "Please touch my child's hands and face - we have insurance - so a doctor visit from your nasty germs will be covered." I thought it was sweet when people would ooh and ahh over Iz. She is a cutie. But, unless I know you - touching her little face is NOT ok! I give the cordial half smile to strangers to acknowledge their existence but it's not meant as in invitation a la AT&T - there is no need to 'reach out and touch someone' - that someone being my Iz. So finally - after a day of randoms touching her face and me feverishly wiping her chubby cheeks with Wet Ones - I had had it. So, when the stranger reached for her hands (which I was ok with but cringing the whole time) and then went for the kill as she said "She has the cutest little face and lips." And went to touch her lips - I looked at Iz and said "BITE HER!" Weirdest thing...the lady turned her cart around and mumbled something about "rude girl..."

Ninja like quick thinking. Works wonders.

Michael Bolton

He's awesome.

Wow - I just channeled my inner geek. I am also a fan of "Air Supply" and "Ace of Base."

My husband is hanging his head in shame right now...it's not his fault I like good music!

So - Mikey - big Mike - B-man - has this song called " Said I loved You." The song is about lovers and loving a significant other - but the chorus rings in my head when I think about Iz.

Said I loved you but I lied
'Cause this is more than love I feel inside
Said I loved you but I was wrong
'Cause love could never ever feel so strong
Said I loved you but I lied

I didn't know that parenthood would be like this. I really wasn't prepared to feel this much. Even Craig looks at me and just randomly says "Man - I love that little girl." And then goes onto to chronicle a cute event that happened throughout the course of the day.

Sure - you don't feel prepared for so much of being a parent. The early hardships - sleepless nights, the days that drag on and on with tears, the nights that feel longer, the mini-stranger that is now around you and your other - ALL the time. Then the hard part of parenting evolves into a new hard - a mobile kid that gets into everything, full out ear-piercing-wannagetaway-can't-believe-this-is-my-kid tantrums (in the middle of the store...or restaurant...or church) - and you look back and wish for the days of sleepless nights and the early stuff.

But, no one prepared me for the utter and absolute joy. Giddy excitement of parenting - that comes with watching our mini-stranger become a part of - no - complete our little family. There are days when I want to squeeze Bug til she pops - but then realize that's probably not the best thing to do. There are days when I wake up exhausted but find a new hop in my step when I see her little face light up. When I hear her belly laugh are moments that are now the new definition of happy to me.

I didn't get it when friends would have diarrhea of the mouth and drone on and on about their offspring. I would think "It's just a kid - can't be that interesting." Once upon a time - Craig and I even considered not having kids because we were completely happy just the two of us. But, now I get it. I can't wait to share about Iz's new party trick and her milestones are my milestones too. Now "our once upon a time" includes a fun little character - and we couldn't be more pleased with our happy ever after.

Sometimes it feels like my heart is going to burst. Palpitations of excitement when I think about the joy Iz has added to our lives.

Dang parenting is hard. But man - it's so worth it.

Because Mommy is busy

...I'm picking up the slack at our household. Let me tell you....I don't know if I can handle this anymore. I am very busy crawling everywhere, standing, trying to climb out of my play area and crib, chasing the dogs and pulling their tails, eating puffs, eating Stage 3 foods, eating....well pretty much anything that my Mommy gives me.

I have a lot to do. I'm cutting my top two teeth. I'm dancing with my maraca as my Daddy plays his guitar. I'm trying to gain weight but I just seem to be getting taller. My Mama needs to head to the mall - these high wadder pants she has me in just aren't cuttin' it. She thinks that if she pulls up my socks tall enough - it'll make up for the 1/2 inch of space that is left between my ankle and my knee.

I've been busy at parties, busy playing in the snow, busy crying (ok - not really crying - but I have this awesome whine, high pitched screeching sound, with the super sad frown face - it gets the big people every time), busy trying to sleep through the night (and no matter what the Mommy tells you - I really do try - but sometimes I just want to know what's going on outside my crib...at 1am, 3am, and 5am in the morning.) I'm busy singing - my favorites are ABC's, Twinkle Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and a Mommy original - "Who Dat, Who Dat, Who Dat Baby..."

I'm busy playing with my friend Julie and playing with my cousins twice a week while Mommy goes to the kitchen to bake yummy cake balls.

Did you know she forgot to tell everyone that I turned 8 months on the 19th. I'm practically a grown up! She also failed to share with you big people that today is my Daddy's bday! He's really, really, really old. He counts his birthdays in YEARS! He's 32 years old today.

Really - Mommy is super busy with me, too.

I can be quite the handful. Did she ever tell you that she gets up with me everyday, gets up with me in the middle of the night, sings songs to me, crawls and chases me, makes baby food for me, does my laundry, gives me baths, keeps me entertained (because I get bored very, very, easily)? She tells me she loves me, hugs me tight, and gives me kisses until I laugh SO hard!

So - she's a busy lady. But don't give up on her big people. She said she promises to blog more often.

To tied you over...here's the birthday poem I wrote my Daddy for his bday!

When I was just a baby, you changed my poopy diaper and didn’t make a face.

You pray with me and show me God’s love by your own walk in Grace.

You chase me and let me crawl all over you, no matter how tired you may be.

When you get home from work, you throw me and around and make me say “Whee!”

You feed me dinner – even though some may get in my hair.

When you check on me at night, I know you love me and care.

You read me lots of books and make voices at all the right parts.

Daddy did you know – that you already have my heart?

You let me play with dogs – even though Mommy freaks out.

You let me be baby – never raising your voice or ever shout.

You help with my bath and dress me for bed.

Did you know my favorite part – is when you kiss me on my forehead?

I love being your, Kiddo, you’re the best Daddy ever.

I’ll be your baby girl, now, today and forever.

Happy birthday, Daddy!

Maraca!!

Dinner with my favorite people

Charleigh loves me :-)

My buddies - Thomas and Patrick

Jonah, Ms Mel and me (sorry for the stink face)

Girls just wanna have fun

Dancin' queen at Gracie's dress up bday party!

Old

Me.

I am old. And when I say old - in my mind I'm a 13 year old that used to think 30 was ancient...but now..I AM 30...

Craig jokes that I'm like Mr. Burns from the "Simpsons." I have a 90 year old body in my actual 30 year old being.

In my mind, I'm really no older than 21.

21 because it's the legal drinking age and I - gasp! - never drank before that ;-)

There are days where I wish I could hit happy hour with my girls, put on my heels and dance til dawn.

Then I remember that I eat dinner at 5pm because anything later will upset my stomach and aggravate my acid reflux.

And then I'm reminded that I have back spasms and so much back pain that dancing til dawn will just make the pain worse - and soaking in a hot bath, rubbing Ben Gay on my back, and applying cold/heat - is probably the better idea.

I'm ailing.

Really - I finally gave in and decided to see a doctor about this dang back. Four months of this and I've thrown in the towel. I decided it was time when Iz held her arms up for me to hold her, I tried to bend down, and just couldn't handle the pain and didn't pick up my sweet Angel.

God created me to be her Mommy - and it killed my spirit and broke my heart when I couldn't hold my baby girl.

So, I called the doctor and I'm set to go.

Then a friend called me and told me she had an appointment to see a Gastroenterologist (aka stomach doc) because she may have diverticulitis. Basically - it's kind of like an appendicitis but of your colon - OUCH! And for the record - it normally only affects individuals in their 60s.

She called me right after she saw the specialist - and yup - my 30 year old friend is the rare exception and has diverticulitis.

An old person's disease.

When did this happen? Forget about me whining about how fast Iz is growing up - when did I suddenly check the box 30-35? Who is that person in the mirror with the laugh lines around her eyes (hey - and I laugh a LOT so you can imagine how many there actually are)? Wait - is that a grey hair? Hold on - why are some body parts no longer defying the laws of gravity and are inches from touching the ground?

Old.

Where is vampire venom when you need it?
{True vamp fans know what this means and if you don't get it - sorry for ya}

And when I say old